The Brownie Smear

Since my sister Ellie has too much of a social life to post to this blog, I will do the honors for her. This is from an email she sent me a couple years ago. Warning: Before reading, make sure you've gone to the bathroom first.

This is it: the unabridged, uncensored account of last Thursday night's entertainment, which we have affectionately christened as "The Brownie Smear". (Forgive me for my childish behavior - you must understand that one is forced to create his/her own fun when he/she is stuck on campus without a car - we definitely have gotten creative :) So here we go . . .

Last weekend, me, and my suitemate Juleen, and our friend Erica from down the hall, all decided to go on a grand adventure. So on Saturday morning, we packed our bags with a few necessities, namely maps of downtown Chicago, cameras, and rape whistles, and headed off for the train station, which is about a twenty minute walk from campus. After boarding the right train (much to our surprise and relief), we made it to Union Station, where we disembarked, and began our struggle to survive. We spent the entire day being tourists, which is an entirely different story in itself, but included taking lots of cheesy photos, getting lost, visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, and, of course, taking a detour to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Shop. So after eating dinner at the McDonald's (yes, we are truly cheap Americans) in the train station, we boarded (once again, to our delight) the right train, and headed for home, looking forward to the safety and comfort of our soft, cozy beds.
Well, on the ride home, which is about an hour, we met a weirdo, which really isn't a surprise when you're taking advantage of the Chicago Metra System, and made friends with him. He happened to be reading an issue of The Onion, and when he was finished, he let us read it. As we were flipping through the pages, a little ad in the corner caught my eye. It was an ad for a product called ColonBlow, and it's advertising slogan was, "You don't eat like a sissy...why clean your colon like one?" And on the bottom it said colonblow.com, and then in little tiny writing it proudly proclaimed that "poopin' is cool". Well, naturally I busted up laughing, because I think it's really funny, but perhaps that's just me. So I cut it out of the newspaper, and I have put a nice little red border around it, and it now graces our bathroom mirror.

*Note: our dorm is set up in suites, so me and my roommate Greta's room is attached to a bathroom, which is attached to Juleen and her roommate Courtney's room. So all four of us share the bathroom, as well as the bathroom mirror.

So Juleen and I just left our little decoration up there for all to enjoy, and one must remember that this is a Christian school, so many people (including my roomie and Juleen's roomie) were homeschoolers, and as such, possess pure, innocent minds. We waited in anticipation for the reactions of our respective roommates, and we were not disappointed - it was hysterical. They were appalled, not to mention disgusted, and we just laughed . . . life in the real world, girls.

So what does any of this have to do with a Brownie Smear, you might ask. Well, let me tell you: Erica's mother sent her a box of just-add-water brownie mix. Yesterday was a crisp, autumnish day - the perfect day to bake, so we decided to try our hands in the kitchen. Once again, it was me and Juleen and Erica involved, and we made the world's best just-add-water brownies. We cooked them, but as they were cooking, we got impatient, and decided that ten minutes was enough, even though the box suggested thirty. So we took them out, got our spoons, and indulged. As you may have already guessed, about half-way through the pan, we all started moaning and holding our stomachs, so rather than eat ourselves sick(er), we started thinking of other creative things to do with the brownies. Now these were not your ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill type just-add-water brownies. Oh no - these had mini Hershey's kisses in them, and being hardly cooked, they were the gooiest brownies you ever did see.

After much laughter, and false barfing alarms, we decided on a plan of action for our brownies. Remember the ad on our mirror, poopin' is cool? Oh yes - I'm sure you already know the end of this one . . .

We took the brownie goo back to our room, and made a nice, big, chunky smear on the mirror, right next to the ad. We also left a few traces in strategic locations around the bathroom, namely the faucet, the soap bar, and the toilet paper holder. We looked around at our handiwork, and were utterly disgusted - it looked so convincingly real. A round of high-fives followed, and once again, we waited in quiet anticipation for the return of our unsuspecting roommates. Courtney walked in, as we tried to act casual, snickering to ourselves, and flashing mischevious glances in the direction of the others. Courtney exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, I have to pee so bad!" YES!

Step number one complete - she headed toward the bathroom. Silence. And then we heard it . . . the sound we had been waiting for all afternoon . . . "SICK! WHAT IS THE DISGUSTING BLOB ON OUR MIRROR??!? Ahhhhh . . . victory was ours. And it was sweet, sweet victory. We all had a good laugh at that one, and then went to bed.